Friday, December 26, 2008

Great Gig in the Sky

What's a grown-up (grammar?)? Is there a line that one crosses to qualify?

I'm not disappointed at getting older, quite the contrary. Insurance is down, I'm the strongest and fittest I've been all my life (that's not saying much, given my standards), I can hold intelligent conversations about politics, society, governence and more. I know, firsthand, about foods and drinks that I read about in faded yellow books. I also laugh at fart jokes, can drink any teenager under the table, feel insecure as hell, am shy and curt with new acquintances, moody and sulky.

A good middle ground as far as age is concerned.

Something that disappoints me is lack of fear. My father was and is my icon. Strong, extremely well built and powerful, near-limitless capacity for alcohol, brutal temper, booming laugh, and absolutely no other emotions in between. But what happens when the upswing of my youth meets his still impressive curve midway? There's no doubting my ever increasing respect and admiration for him. But what's almost disturbing is I'm not afraid of him.

When I was a kid, there was fear of untold physical harm. He never did inflict any damage, but a 10 year old kid will always be terrified of his father's towering frame. Then in the teenage years it was fear of losing privileges one had worked so hard to earn. But once my body filled out and he had to look up to meet my gaze, things changed. I found the voice to question his judgement. To disobey. To snap back. The latter I regret the most, but it happened. The loss of fear.

We will continue to laugh, enjoy each other's company and I will listen to almost everything he tells me to do. But I wish I had someone to fear. I feel almost unchecked in my freedom. 22 years of upbringing cannot be undone by 3 years of greenbacks. Which is why I wish religion played a bigger part in my life. Fear of the almighty seems to work on many people, sometimes entire nations. Ours being a typical moderate family, I received religious instructions that most of us did at that time. I know the Gods, know the ways to please them. But appeasement is not satisfactory. I want to fear someone.

Someone I know who can change my life, someone I do not want to anger. Someone whom I'll automatically bow my head in front of. Someone whose wisdom I will not question. Someone to obey. Someone to pray to. Someone unaffected by my compliance. Unfortunately, there's no God or religion that inspires such emotions in me.

I never thought I'd miss fear.


a million different people said...

Looks like someone isn't afraid of someone anymore. :(

Thanatos said...

Or at least acting fearless :P

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Enjoy the time when you are fearless, because it comes back awfully fast. the fear of responsibilities, fear of ageing, fear of ageing parents, fear of kids, fear of adulthood. believe, me - the fearless stage is there only for a very short period in your life.

Thanatos said...

Brr, doesn't sound like a lot fun.