Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Space Truckin'

Dear SUV owner,

I'm not going to give you shit about gas consumption. Meh, the world can burn, and we can help.

What I do want to talk about today, is your faith in your 2 ton death machine. I'm sure it's tremendous fun driving a 4 wheel drive in snow so deep you could bury the Olsen twins standing up. A few thoughts for your consideration. While your 4X4 will handle better than front/rear wheel drives in snow, there are limitations imposed by this entity called Physics. Sucks, I know, but blame the very planet we're trying to burn.

1) While your metal pachyderms will help you get to 60mph on ice a lot faster than sedans, braking is another matter. The science is in stopping a 2 ton object sliding on ice. Doesn't matter how many cylinders are driving your 10 foot wheels, the same rules apply to all you jackasses. Drive too fast, you will take longer to stop - and will fishtail like shit, given your redneck driving skills (or lack thereof). Anti lock brakes you say? Won't do shit if they're off the ground and on a sheet of ice. Inertia is a bitch, and you will stop only when you've slid enough or come into contact with another mass (more about that later).
2) Speaking of 10 foot wheels, the high clearance and dominating view of the road must be very fulfilling, or as the rest of us say - compensating. But your high clearance means a high center of gravity. So when you pull fancy 90 degree turns with one hand (the other stuffing a big mac down your triple chinned throat), you are at an incredible risk of executing a belly flip. Amusing for the rest of us (you know - the ones with a triple digit IQ), but not too much fun for the 7 kids in the back. So again - it's physics - slow the fuck down.
3) Given the bulk of your badly made trucks, and your complete lack of driving skills, your tires are usually worn to a block of rubber in a few seasons. Couple that with point #1 that I made, you might as well carry coffins in the back seeing as there is so much room for more.
4) I drive 80 miles a day, and nearly all the idiots I see on the shoulder nursing a fender bender are SUVs. Sure, mustangs suck ass when driving in slush, but they don't let you go over 30 on some roads - and that's a good thing, you retards. That's why the only mustangs you see in snow related crashes are the ones that get ploughed into by maniacs driving trucks.

I'm a little reluctant to write the next bit. If physics doesn't work on you guys, concepts of courtesy are certainly far out of your reach. I'll try anyway.
When you see that shiny red car minding its own business in the right lane, doing 40, leave it the fuck alone. Use the left lane if you really want to fulfill that death wish. For what it's worth, at least one owner of a shiny red car promises to use his mad skills, superior handling, and bullet acceleration to make life living hell for you sloths in the spring/summer/fall. My 3 to your 1.

So, in conclusion, try not to kill your fellow motorists this season, and maybe, just maybe, I won't laugh as I go past the crumpled remains of your stupid truck.

Owner, Shiny Red Car.


Purely Narcotic said...

The post had me laughing all through. 'How to be nasty. Really nasty'

And the word verification says it all (ok, it spells like an American but still!): wingence ;)

Thanatos said...

Thanks :)

Haha, matches my spelling skills too!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

i also do like the tag - it is a very kind request indeed. gracious and polite.

Thanatos said...

Cynic : I almost got a "please" in there. Next time maybe.

a million different people said...

You should put a picture of your shiny red car up.

Just the car, no owner.

And stop complaining! :P

Thanatos said...

Snow has rendered red shiny car to a shade of mud. No pictures :P

Hey, that's why I got this blog. Anonymous bitching is the coolest thing since whipped cream.