Friday, August 21, 2009

Blue Wonder Power Milk

For most Americans, Bollywood films are all about synchronized dance sequences involving 20 colorfully dressed extras. Spot on old chaps, I say, monocle in eye.

Sikhs are the black people of India. No, we didn't put them to work on cotton farms, but they're probably the coolest folk in the multicolored hue of an Indian rainbow. They're well built, look very distinctive, dress and talk uniquely, and all the kids in college want to be like them. All the non-sikh guys want to get with them sikh ladies while the sikh guys, obnoxious assholes that they are, have full access to the dating pool.

Their music finds its way into most Indian parties and can make anyone want to move in a semi rhythmic fashion. However, if you're like me, you'll have no clue what to do when stuck in the middle of the dancefloor with dozens of gyrating young couples. Fear no more, I got your back.

Thanatos' guide to rockin' out on an Indian Dance floor.

Basic Rules

1) For most part, dancing with other Indians is a non-contact social activity. Sure, you can get close enough to simulate touch, and even let your shoulders meet, but anything more is asking for trouble from friends (hers and yours), jealous boyfriends/exes, family members, hidden moral police.
2) If you find a young man from the state of Punjab in your vicinity, make your way in opposite direction. He can easily be identified by musty body odor, bad breath, puffed face due to all the drinking, hairy chest on display. He's probably brought friends, it's best to exit the club altogether.
3) Don't be the first one on the dance floor.
4) Don't be the only one on the floor.
5) Be prepared to be raided by the Indian police at anytime.

Basic Dance moves for the choreographically challenged - The Shoulder pulse

We Indians like to use our shoulders. A lot. While it screams "this dude can't dance for shit", it's better than standing outside and missing out on all the simulated contact action. Rehearse this before hand, should be easy to master. Stand in front of  a mirror, pull your lower lip in a curl, squint your eyes, bend your knees a little. Keep your hands along your thighs, and start shrugging slowly. Repeat till you have a rhythm. On the dance floor, move your shoulders up and down according to the beat. You can sway your torso just a little bit to add some extra flavor. There you have it - your first Indian dance move!

Intermediate Dance moves

So you think you have the shoulder move down? The ladies aren't recoiling in horror anymore? Time to step it up!

1) The light bulb - Stand straight, hold your left arm up and rotate the wrist trying to unplug an imaginary light bulb.
2) The cigarette - With your right foot, stub out an imaginary cigarette.

Place your right hand on your waist, combine steps 1 and 2, and voila - you're doing the dance as vital to Indian choreography as the 4 beat to rock music! Congrats! Spice it up by moving your hip to the left as you do the lightbulb to show you're down with the beat.

Advanced Dance moves

Lets face it. If you want to go this far, you and I shouldn't be friends. I'll be at the bar getting drunk. Asshat.


Purely Narcotic said...

Tsk. Where are the videos and pictures as demos, I say!

Thanatos said...

I figured you didn't want to wash your eyes with battery acid!