Thursday, February 9, 2006

Intricacies of Human Interaction

The first human interaction, in my opinion, was "Urk Grunk gook". Thats caveman parlance for "Urk Grunk gook". If you're one them Intelligent Design Theorists, it still holds. Adam couldnt have said anything better to Eve. Guys are wired that way. More about that some other time.

I've noticed that the habit of "hanging out" with fellows demands some sort of greeting to start the elaborate social ritual called conversation. Needless to say, I'm severely handicapped at this, not that I care. But that doesnt stop me from observing the severe complications that arise when two humans meet.

1. The I-cant-see-you method

I get a lot of this. The subject initiating this protocol pretends to see the imaginary penguin to my right and rushes away in its pursuit

2. The ok-I-see-you-but-wont-talk

I get plenty of this too. There's something in my mind about being unpopular but I cant put my finger on it. Oh well

3. The Gay wave

Subject waves hand like I get my kicks from watching his/her palm moving left to right at 30 mph. Best replied with methods 1 and soon-to-be-discussed method 8

4. Scream Attack

Usually between two members of the female species. Starts with a hoot and is followed by "Oh my god, you know what/guess what...." This and all that follows in due course of the greeting method is irrelevant. Also its a good idea avoiding members of this clan. Yes, I'm gonna die a bachelor

5. The Hug

Rendered usually by the fairier sex. If not, best avoided by method 1 and soon-to-be-discussed method 8. I always screw this up. Which way does the head tilt again? And how does one avoid all the curves without being called pervert?

6. The wont let go-till-death-do-us-apart shake.

Usually preceded/ fore-warned by method 3. Subject grabs your hand like its the holy grail and doesnt let go of hand and or shoulder. If rendered by sweaty palms, my sympathies lie with you. Best avoided, you guessed it, with soon-to-be-discussed method 8

7. The shake-boogie

The most complicated human co-ordination increasingly complicated by teens every year. Current versions include -> Shake, withdraw hands to merge into finger clasp, separate hands, click thumb and punch knuckles, contact bottom hand surface of subject 1 with top surface of subject 2 and switch surface contact. In parallel, the other hand pulls opposing shoulder closer at 100 mph. I'll get this right yet

8. The one finger salute

Always works. Hold the birdie out with one/two hands. Guaranteed relief from fellow humans. Side effects include lonely friday nights

Doing my bit to chart human behavior. Peace

P.S : No penguins were harmed during the publishing of this article.

P.P.S : Penguins dont taste that great

P.P.P.S : Time for me to curl up and cry "I'm lonely"


The God Of Tall Things said...

Yes, I'm gonna die a bachelor You lucky bastard

Crouching Tigress said...

The poor penguins!

The God Of Tall Things said...

This comment was removed by blogspot for being too intelligent.

Purely Narcotic said...

You have mastered the hug with the females of the species, or I was too giddy with excitement and then drunk on the wine.

That female screech is a very American girl thingy, man. I'd slap a female friend if she did that with me. Annoying twits.

Thanatos said...

@ Narcotic

I think it's a bit of all three!

Yeah, that is true. I don't even get to hit anyone :(