Monday, December 14, 2009

Halo 21*

When I was in college and then grad school I had no need to be guarded with my behavior. Apart from a word or two, what could anyone do to me that I couldn't match? Call it aging bones or shackles in a corporate world, I simply can't unhinge my temper anymore. On the floor I sit, every hour of every day, two jackasses shout into their phones, and at each other oblivious to the 20 other people here. They're senior managers (kinda) and I can't give them a piece of my mind. Discretion doesn't seem to help.

So while I'm swallowing my rage and digging fresh ulcers in my stomach, I realize there's been a profound change in my behavior. I'm being nice (read : dishonest) to people. When someone tells me "my 5 year old cut his finger on the swing" I no longer say "kids are retards who get a free ride". My birthday greetings are no longer "eh? so what?". I offer to be the DD. On weekends, I play poker. The regular kind.

I hate it.

You see - when I had rage, and in copious amounts, I gave a crap about things around me. They would piss me off, I would sound away, and there was peace again. While it feels like I'm storing that temper away and may explode any moment, all that emotion is just eroding away and I feel predominantly one thing - apathy.

Exceptions apply, and those close to me (dwindling number) will still bear the brunt of my mood swings. But nearly every waking hour, I get the feeling my face is on autopilot mode. If I felt my lips move this morning, I would realize they were curling up into a smile to greet a coworker, all without the gears in my head spinning.

I don't know if it's ironic, but my concern for my "nice guy" behavior is fading fast too. Apathy for all, even for me.

Then again.

I like my job. All that chatter is just white noise. I like my car. My TV, not as much, but I don't see too much of it anyway. The girlfriend's a riot. I am the DD so that I can get my friends shit faced. I host poker nights so that I can force drinks down my friends' throats, getting wasted in the process. And oh, I love my cooking. So am I apathetic? Under-ambitious? Satisfied?

* - Reference.


Purely Narcotic said...

You are...growing up! :P

What if you're misunderstanding equanimity for apathy?

The Depressed Doormat said...

Damn, you sound like me. Or I sound like you, whatever might be the case. No wonder you enjoyed my rants!

@Purely Narcotic: What is the tangible (and not literal) difference between equanimity and apathy?

Thanatos said...

@Narcotic : Does equanimity feel so... empty?

@The Depressed Doormat : Hello. Rants are fun, always.