Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Big Empty

I am in the purgatory of mental alertness. My eyes can barely stay open and yet I have a few dozen voices whispering to each other in my head. My blood is ferrying as much coffee as it is oxygen. Perhaps that's an exaggeration. But given how sparing I am with coffee use, I feel pretty buzzed with just 1 cuppa joe.

October has been a very eventful month. I bought a house, as I've been talking about forever now. I completed 2 years in my job. I made some significant decisions about my life in the near future. There's a few other things that will have major significance on life in general, but this is not the time to talk about them.

At every stage, I've been keeping friends and family abreast of my progress with every project. A common question I get asked is "Are you excited?". While October has been the month of culmination of tremendous planning and execution, I feel nothing. Not even faint happiness. I don't understand.

When I offer no answer to the "excited" question, I'm met with quizzical stares, quiet okays or just plain frustration. "How can you not feel what I would feel in your place?" is the implied question, and my state of blankness is supposed to be shameful. "Ah, it'll grow on you" or "it takes time to come to terms with" are offered - seemingly more for their benefit than mine.

Wasn't I supposed to feel pride when I held the deed to my house? Wasn't I supposed to feel spoilt when I pulled out of my heated garage on a cold snowy day? Where was that smug pleasure waking up in my own room?

Two years of work experience. What does it mean now? Pride? Joy? Excitement? Recharge of batteries, focus?

Why do I feel so disconnected from all this? Why I do I feel like I'm a spectator of events in the life of one 26 year old expat? What am I supposed to be feeling? What am I missing?

Am I missing out on these pleasures because of some nagging thought? Yes, the credit card debt is an unsettling eyesore, but can that alone take away the joys that figure in everyone's "American dream"? Should I be concerned that all I make of my life are days, years, numbers and plans?

Is this it?


shenanigans said...

You'll feel it when you feel it ...or not. Either way, it's what you feel that matters. Not what is expected of you. If you're not feeling it, that too is your prerogative. And you didn't need me pointing that out, I know! I just get tired of the same shit, being told what I should be or should not be feeling.

Perakath said...

I'm sure one of the big decisions you took will mean that this isn't, in fact, it?

Thanatos said...

@shenanigans : Thanks! "If you're not feeling it, that too is your prerogative". Will keep that in mind!

@Perakath : I can hope and wait, that's all.

Purely Narcotic said...

This is it, till it isn't. Rinse, Repeat. :)

Cynic in Wonderland said...

Its called the out-of-body syndrome. mine started about five years ago. still on ( changes of job, marriage all viewed through quite a detached lens). not a bad place to be in btw, it grows on one.

Thanatos said...

@Narco : Haha, nice. I like that.

@Cynic : Will wait and see. Thing is, I'm happy being this way. But gotta get used to all the questions I get for it.