Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Aces High

You know you're getting old when you find yourself peering at the instruction manual. I haven't gotten to that stage yet, but sometimes gadgets aren't as obvious to me as they used to be. I shudder to think what it'll be 25 years from now, when I have the spawn to replace me, who'll snap at my inability to reset the flux capacitor on the Gibson. Yeah well, I hope to kick the shit out of them when that happens. I plan to raise them in India, where child services are a joke, and all parents know kids deserve a smack on the cheek now and then.

My disturbing kid rearing plans aside, you must think "Damn Thanatos, life for you geeks is so easy. You have these jazzy little gadgets that keep you updated on everything, and your massive social ineptitude means that you'll never face any true discomfort in the real world - you know, where people and stuff exist". I'd be inclined to agree with most of that statement - except spotty internet means I'm not updated on everything all the time.

But no, life's not all that easy, precisely because there isn't a gadget for everything. For instance, I buy French bread once in 3 days. I divide it into 3 pieces so that I can make sandwiches for 3 days. Only problem is, the bread gets all rock hard after 2 days, so my 3rd sandwich is never made and I have to go to stupid walmart to buy that cheap but tasty and super unhealthy boneless BBQ fowl. So yeah, that pisses me off. I can't keep it in the fridge, since that hardens the bread too (I think - haven't tried). I've seen bread boxes - but I don't trust anything that doesn't have wires sticking out of it and lacks a 4 star rating on Amazon.

Then there are the dishes. My dishwasher was manufactured shortly after a young Winston Churchill discovered his love for tightly rolled bundles of dried and fermented tobacco from a South American country. It (not the Brit bulldog) has broken a couple of my glasses, burnt a few plastic lids to a crisp, and made enough noise to alert the neighbors. All glasses and spoons have residual stains from slow drying, and house guests wince before using my silverware. The only choice I have is to handwash them, and then wipe dry all that shit. I hate spending time on stuff like that, moreso if I'm scooping crap out of someone else's plate.  I tried dumping it all in the in-sink-erator for a while, but had to stop when I shredded a shot glass.

So when I'm tossing out the garbage or cursing that the water isn't just the right temperature, I wonder how heroes in science fictions get along. Who does Neo's dishes? Does Clark Kent forget to change the TP? Do Ninjas have to shovel snow off their yards? The latter, probably not.

Anyway. Gotta go. Laundry time.

Update :  Turns out my neighbors are true rockstars. I leave my garbage on our shared patio to take out later, and they've thrown it away twice. I love you guys.


Purely Narcotic said...

Try dumping the bread in the fridge. Sliced Sara Lee wheat bread doesn't turn crumbly and rock hard. And neither does the baguette/garlic bread I get from Ralphs wrapped in Al foil.

Perakath said...

Yeah, neither does plain old desi bread wrapped in a plastic packet.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

silverware? dear god!i am suddenly intimidated.

also one doesnt have to look at neo and clark kent et al. apparently there are bloggers who also live in this alternate reality where they dont have plumbing and dishwashing problems. hmmmm.

Thanatos said...

@ Narco : Your advice worked!

@ Perakath : Regular bread seems to survive sitting outside as long as it's wrapped, not that damn french bread.

@ Cynic :

The silver part of the silverware is fake :D

Who are these superhero bloggers you speak of? I need autographs.

Blues said...

I have the same bread dilemma. Put that bitch in the oven and problem solved.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Yep. Freeze the pieces and then put them in the oven at 350 for 10 min or so and you'll have a kick ass sandwich.

Today was to be my geek celebration day. I bought a new dvd player specifically to hack it. Had the coding written down and everything. Turns out? I popped in a dvd to test it before commencing with my hack, and it was already PAL-converted. Damn it! Where's the challenge in that?

Thanatos said...

@ Blues : Thanks!

@ Not : Are you talking about regional setting on the dvd player? Remember, it's a victory even if you know how...