Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My Quarter-life Crisis

Jealousy is the theme of the month. Possibly the rest of the year, even longer. By disguising very specific problems as general angst for goals not achieved, by claiming that my life sucks, and wanting every reason for it to end soon, I seem to have found a great way to indulge in self pity. Masturbatory as this is, I also seem to be getting copius attention from loved ones, all numbering less than the fingers in a Pantera-fist-in-the-face. I have the cheek to actually dismiss some of this support as needless and screaming at them for offering it. Perhaps I do need to get over this, smile at those few and forget about this crap.

Yeah right. I know what I am - insecure, short tempered, self indulgent and the list only gets worse. It's easier to feel this rage, all this suffocation feels oddly welcome. I've denied the BS in my life for far too long. I want to feel this way, scream till my throat hurts, punch the wall till my knuckles bleed. I'm sorry I'm this way now but that is how it is. I won't turn into an alcoholic wreck, sociopath or end my life. Nope, in fact, I'll keep going the way I usually do - fast, loud and terribly obnoxious. But in the privacy of my 4 walls, let me feel the rage.

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